“It’s just so much more intimate.” -Worst guys ever.
Negotiating complex sexual and emotional territory with some OK Cupid guy you’ve had drinks with twice, not to mention dealing with the double standards of being a single and sexually active woman in 2019 is hard enough.
And then there are the guys that won’t go down on you.
You’d think this was an archaic and long-dead feature of modern life, like doctors smoking in their examination rooms on Mad Men. No dice. After a quick poll, we found that at least a handful of us in the office have had one experience with a guy who wouldn’t go downtown but are happy to let you knock yourself out down there. In casual dating, often there’s the third-date-blowjob followed by — um, sleep. The big question mark on the cunnilingus side just kind of hovers there, and many women feel embarrassed to ask, like it’s somehow gauche. Who knows, they figure. Maybe it’ll happen on Date 7, if we make it that far.
Why does this happen? Among the excuses given by a man, post-blowjob, when it was his turn to face the (clitoris) music, was “It’s too intimate!” I think I speak for all of us when I say that having a male glans knocking against your tonsils is pretty fucking intimate. I don’t mean “intimate” like “I’d only do this for someone I love” intimate, but “This requires at least the good faith that you’re as into my parts as I am into your parts.”
If the guy you’re seeing has some kind of 7th-grade-boy aversion to vaginas, you should take your vagina/precious time/heart off the table completely. Let’s face it — a lot of us are already self-conscious about them. We don’t need to hand-pick a guy who confirms our worst fears.
Another aspect to consider: Blowjobs have basically replaced lube as the kickoff and warmup for sex. Girls are constantly going down on dudes as foreplay, or even mid-coitus sometimes, in order to get (and keep) the peen as hard as possible. On the other hand, pre-penetrative oral sex on a woman isn’t technically “necessary” for P-in-va-G to happen, and therefore the step is skipped often. Both the man and the woman are focused mostly on the penis. So basically, the penis is the A-list actor here; the vagina is just the no-name who’s only around for a reaction shot. Fuck that noise.
Sometimes the commenters on this website call me “Bitter Breslaw.” You know why? Because when I am not here at work, I am dating. And dating — with its invisible compromises and etiquette rules and waiting a certain period of time to respond to texts and weird dry-humping on the couch while neither of you watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation as planned — is awkward and emotionally exhausting as it is. And anyone who tells you differently is either lying, living in a candy-colored sitcom world, has been in a relationship for a long time, or IS LYING. We don’t need to deal with this on top of it.
Short of starting a Change.org petition, the only thing we can do about this is to stop beating around the bush (sorry) and demand complete oral sex equality. It’s what Susan B. Anthony would have wanted.